Having had a child after her mother passed away, Abby writes about her struggle to comprehend how connected she and her mother are now and how this may change after her own death. She draws heavily on one of her husband's theological papers which leaves her central question unresolved. Ultimately, though grieving the loss of her mother, she is confident that the Lord is in charge. -Editor
For the last several months I’ve had the idea to write this article about the interaction between people here on earth and their loved ones who have died. Parts of it keep rolling around in my head, but every time I come back to trying to write it I can’t capture really what I am trying to say. A year ago my husband wrote a paper about whether or not people recognize each other after death for one of his theological school classes. This paper says a lot of the things that I have been wanting to say. So I thought that rather than essentially plagiarizing his paper I would just include chunks of it with my thoughts interspersed. The sections from Malcolm's paper are in block quotes, and the long quotes within the quotes from the paper are in italics. If you'd like to read the whole thing, here it is: “Why People Do or Do Not Recognize Each Other After Death” (PDF).
Just over two years ago my Mom died. She had cancer and had been sick for many years, so in a lot of ways it was a relief when she died. But that doesn’t change the fact that I miss her. Or that I want to talk to her. Or that I wish she were here to help me figure out how to take care of my new daughter. Although we had a lot of hard times, I am grieving the fact that she isn’t around right now, and I wish that there were some teaching that would prove that in some way she is around me still.
Since my daughter’s birth four months ago I have gotten a lot of comments from people reassuring me that my Mom is probably around me and around my daughter, Mara. They say things like “I’m sure that Margie is with Mara” or “Your Mom would love to see Mara. But I’m sure she can and does all the time.” These comments are all well meant and I appreciate that, but I have trouble believing their truth when I read certain passages from the Writings.
The state that a person is in changes who they recognize and want to associate with. Conjugial Love explains how this works with people who had been married during their earthly lives, but the same changes occur, regardless of the relationship that people had previously had.
A person comes first into the external state, and afterwards into the internal one. It is during the external state... that they meet, recognize each other, and, if they lived together in the world, associate and live together for a time. And when they are in this state, one partner does not know the other's feelings toward him, because these feelings keep themselves hidden inside. Later, however, when they come into their internal state, the feelings manifest themselves. And if these feelings are concordant and congenial, the partners continue their married life. But if these feelings are discordant and uncongenial, they end it. (Conjugial Love 47r)
While people are in the state of externals, they associate with everyone that they were externally connected with in the world and they recognize everyone by external things like their face and way of speaking (Heaven and Hell 457). Once people move into the state of internals, however, they then only associate with and recognize people who love the same things that they do (Heaven and Hell 427).
I loved my mother, even if we did often disagree. And I want to see her and live with her as my mother again in heaven because that is what I am used to. That is what is familiar and comforting. I understand on one level why this isn’t how eternal life works and can feel grateful that I will live in a community that suits me much more than my natural family, but the part of me that dislikes dealing with change rather would believe that when I get to the other world life will continue with my natural mother. I am not ready to give up Margie as the person filling that role. I know that spiritually we are supposed to see the church as our mother. But I am still in the natural world and even though my natural mother is now in the spiritual world I am not ready to let go of her. And I wish that she was not ready to let go of me as her daughter, but, as the paper continues to explain, I think I have to accept that this is likely.
In the Gospels, when the Lord was told that his biological mother and brothers were outside looking for Him, He responded, “‘Who is My mother, or My brothers?’ And He looked around in a circle at those who sat about Him, and said, ‘Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of God is My brother and My sister and mother’” (Mark 3:33-35; cf. Matthew 12:46-50; Luke 8:19-21). This indicates the sort of relationships that the Lord is interested in and the sort of relationships that exist after death.
Arcana Coelestia 4121 gets more specific: it says that, in the other life,
it is good and truth that produce that which on earth is called relationship by blood and by marriage... for regarded in themselves goods and truths acknowledge no other father than the Lord, for they are from Him alone. Hence all who are in goods and truths are in brotherhood; but still there are degrees of relationship according to the quality of the goods and truths. These degrees are signified in the Word by “brothers,” “sisters,” “sons-in-law,” “daughters-in-law,” “grandsons,” “granddaughters,” and by other family names. (Arcana Coelestia 4121)
All spiritual relationships have to do with what goods and truths we love. All good and truth have the Lord as their Father—that is, come from the Lord alone—and so we are related to each other in terms of how we are related to the good and truth that comes from our Father. Some goods and truths are so close that the two people who love them are married; other goods and truths are more distant from each other and so the people that love them are more like third cousins. In summary, it is because spiritual relationships are based on what goods and truths people love that, after they have moved beyond the state of externals, “a father does not recognize a son or a daughter, nor a brother a brother or sister, nor even a husband a wife, unless they have been in similar good. [And] ...are soon dissociated” (Arcana Coelestia 3815).
So you see, there is a chance that my Mom and I will be in the same goods and truths such that we live in the same community after death. But there is also a chance that this won’t be the case. And while this passage isn’t addressing what happens if one person is in the spiritual world and one in the natural, it seems to apply in a similar way. Why should I think that my Mom is “with” me or my daughter right now, when I don’t think that we will necessarily continue on together after we are both dead? These passages seem to indicate that in the next life natural connections are only minimally important.
I don’t really want to be pessimistic, just realistic based on the teachings that I say I believe in. There is a passage that is a little more optimistic, however.
It is, of course, not just a coincidence that all the people in [certain ancient families] love the same goods and truths. The children “inherited inclinations toward the conjugial connection between good and truth, into which they were easily introduced more and more deeply by their parents through their upbringing and education, and into which they were afterwards led by the Lord as though on their own when they came into their own right and judgment” (Conjugial Love 205). This makes it seem very plausible that, even today, a father and son might end up living together in the same part of heaven, given that the son inherited the same inclinations that his father had.
I don’t feel like I know how to resolve this question for myself, which is one of the reasons that I wanted to write this article. At the moment I am left feeling sad and a little empty after reading the above passages. People want to say nice and comforting things, but I can’t agree with them. I miss my Mom and I wish that I could believe she is “here” with my daughter and me, but for her sake I am glad. Imagine how she would be delayed in her process of becoming an angel if she had to be worrying about me still. And if she had to be keeping tabs on all eight of her kids as well as their kids, she would never get anywhere. So while I grieve the loss of her role in my life and feel shafted that I can’t let myself even naively hold onto the idea that she is just hanging around me and my daughter all day, I’m glad that the Lord is the one in charge of how these things work.
Abby is currently in a weird state of limbo as she and her husband wait for paperwork to go through so that they can move to South Africa. She has a 4 month old baby girl that she likes an awful lot and hangs out with most of the time. She also does part-time work for New Church Connection magazine.