The New Church offers beautiful teachings with unadulterated ideals about marriage. Something I struggle with is how to hold and protect these precious, perfect ideals I've been privy to have an awareness of, and how to love and accept myself and others in our imperfect states and world. Specifically, I struggle with the ideals of conjugial love and the myriad ways in which it is adulterated. Some questions that arise in my mind include relationships outside of marriage (including homosexuality, cohabitation, pre-marital sexual relationships, open relationships, etc.), the spectrum of the presence of mothers, and the roles and specific duties of men and women within marriages.
I absolutely believe in conjugial love and the marriage of good and truth. I love the fact that men and women correspond to good and truth and that we have this beautiful gift of an opportunity to become, with our whole beings, a perfect union of good and truth and from two, become one. Today, knowledge of conjugial love and, probably more predominantly, reception of conjugial love is rare. Though everyone is looking for love, the ideals of conjugial love as laid out by Emanuel Swedenborg, whether known as “conjugial love” or not, are not popular guidelines. Often I've heard it explained that a person's relationship choices (e.g. sexual orientation, exploration, divorce...) are the way they are in part because it is believed that his identity would be smothered were his choices not to be accepted by others and allowed to be acted out. How do we share and promote the beautiful promise of conjugial love when, for most people, the shining beauty of such a relationship takes a lifetime, or an eternity to build, so a living example may not hold much sway for those to whom the Victorian ideals are not at all appealing?
To what degree should we accept relationships as they are and support the love that is being cultivated in whatever way? To what degree should we reject relationships outside of marriage in order to be a beacon of truth upholding our specific teachings of conjugial love, when, of course, as human beings, not any one of us is perfect? Furthermore, we know that not even we ourselves can know who really has conjugial love – married or not.
Another issue related to conjugial love especially dear to my heart is that of the role of mothers. Every mother in the world loves her children and is doing her very best to make the best choices she can for the good of her family. She can't help it; she's wired that way. Here again, I am an idealist. I believe in my deepest heart that mothers are uniquely designed – biologically, emotionally, and spiritually – to be with their babies and children and to be their primary caretakers. And yet, again, our society is moving in a direction of separating mothers from their children in a variety of ways. The most obvious is mothers working outside the home. There are mothers who work full-time, part-time, or just occasionally. They go back to work when their children are 6 years old, 2 years old, 6 months old, or 6 weeks old. The children are left in the care of relatives, baby-sitters, nannies, or day-care workers. Some mothers are working because they are passionate about their careers; because they feel they need the money; because they are pressured by their husbands; because they cannot adjust to the pace of life with infants; or because they think they have to in order to be contributing to society. Then there is the time away from the home that mothers take for themselves which is not work-related. A date with their husbands, pursuing passions or hobbies, spiritual growth, exercise, time with friends without children, health or pampering, running errands, the list goes on. How much time is too much time away from our children? Starting at what age? Then there are degrees of presence and responsiveness even within the home. Putting baby down in baby-holding devices or carrying baby in a carrier at all times. Putting baby to sleep in a crib in a separate room and ignoring her cries until she learns to stop crying or never hearing her cry because she is sleeping in mother's arms in her bed. Bottle-feeding, pumping, or breastfeeding on demand until baby is 6 weeks, 6 months, 2 years, or 6 years. Spending her time on the internet, doing household chores, or whatever her children want to do. The variety of ways to mother are as endless as the variety of mothers.
Every mother deserves respect and support for her individual choices. Also noteworthy is the question of use. The Lord has given us all unique gifts and talents to be of use to Him and His kingdom. Today, women are free to discover and pursue whatever special gifts she has been granted by the Lord and surely feels satisfaction and happiness when she fulfills her use. And yet the dissolving bond of mother and child is of particular concern. Especially disheartening is the branding of a mother who has chosen to devote her full-time care to her children as unimpressive, unmotivated, uneducated, and one who has ultimately given up on herself. The questions that must be asked are, what is the intention in having children if we do not wish to give an entirely helpless human being complete fulfillment of its needs? What kind of human being do we hope to raise? One who values individualism over interdependence? One who values success over human connection? Is it better to leave our children in another's care while we fulfill other uses, or is there really enough time to put our other interests on hold while we care for our small, needy children? It is worth considering the comparison between bringing a child into the world and discovering that a loved one has a terminal illness and now needs full-time care. There are still choices to be made, both practical and spiritual, but somehow, the latter is often glorified as heroic and deemed totally loving, while devoting full-time care to children holds many negative connotations and commonly is viewed as a way of escape from living life to the fullest.
Finally, I turn my attention to the distinct roles of men and women within a marriage. The traditional roles of men and women have been all but phased out. Women can do anything men can do; men can do almost anything specific to women, save childbearing. How important is it to stay within the realms of roles specific to men and women? Again, to what degree? Many couples today share the responsibilities of childrearing and housekeeping, and often breadwinning as well. Where should the line be drawn? Is it more important to strive to stay within each sex's traditional domain or should the intention be to practice communication and foster partnership – regardless of how the duties are split up?
So I am left still asking the question, how do I hold and protect these ideals for myself, share them with others, and acknowledge the reality of the world in which we live – a world wherein we are all doing our best to pursue personal happiness and fulfillment for the sake of self-esteem, love to the neighbor, and fulfilling our use? I am also asking the question, do we who consider ourselves New Church believe that the teachings in the Writings are optional, or are a promise only of heaven, or do we strive to practice and live the distinct ideals of our doctrine? How do we narrow down our life choices in a culture of infinite options? Is it the Lord's intention that we all, eventually, return to receive and practice the ideals specific to the New Church, or is it His will that the Writings be constantly re-interpreted to adjust to the lifestyles of contemporary society? Or is it that we will never be able to attain perfect adherence to these ideals for the purpose of keeping us humble and dependent on the Lord alone, that we might be spared the temptation of making ourselves our own omnipotent God?
And here is where Divine Providence, like a blanket of peace, enwraps me. In my anxiety, doubt, fear, and worry, I feel the comfort of Divine Providence, knowing that the Lord, in His Infinite Wisdom and Love, is leading, guiding, and providing for every individual in the entire universe in His perfect care. He has a plan, and part of that plan includes our seeking, that He might satisfy our yearning for His particular will for each of us.