Jane and Ben spend a fair amount of time together. They hang out for coffee a couple times a month, speak on the phone every once in a while and message each other on Facebook. When asked if they are dating, they both insist they are “just friends.” This term is quite common in today's culture, so much that one might actually believe there is such a thing as a friendship between a man and a woman. In fact, I was a believer in such friendships until I reached a point in my life at which I began to look more closely at the friendships I have had with men, and also the friendships of people I know. It occurred to me that in every case what appeared to be a friendship was really infatuation. Thus developed my personal theory that there is no such thing as “just friends.”
As I see it, there are three types of male/female relationships (not including familial relationships).
Before marriage, relationships based on infatuation happen all the time and are perfectly good, normal, and necessary. Human beings are made to be attracted to the opposite sex, and the “just friends” stage is a natural first step. However, attraction to the opposite sex does not cease immediately once a couple is married. Both married partners must know that at some point they will most likely be tempted by feelings of attraction to someone outside of their marriage and choose to reject them.
The idea that it is acceptable for either married partner to have a type '2' friend makes it more difficult to see attraction for what it is. Married partners who have no intention to harbor feelings of attraction, much less commit adulterous acts, may find themselves confused when trying to navigate the boundary between “friendship” and “infatuation.” This is because every friendship IS infatuation in various stages. Married partners very rarely intend to be unfaithful, but the chemicals released by our brain that are associated with infatuation are powerful things and make us feel energized, excited about life, and generally good. As long as we call what is really infatuation “just friends,” we do not see the red flag that intuitively should tell us that this relationship is dangerous for our marriage.
Pastor Dave Carder in his speech on “Close Calls” at the 2009 Smart Marriages Conference (www.smartmarriages.com) speaks about what he calls “surprise infidelities,” in reference to individuals who did not realize they were infatuated with a “friend” and described their ensuing affairs as “blindsides” not to their spouses, but to themselves. These relationships were masked as friendships. “Friendships” are acceptable so nobody knew anything was out of order until the “friends” committed adultery.
This highlights an underlying idea, associated with the “just friends” concept, common in our culture today that adultery, which is unacceptable, is only committed with our bodies. The Bible, on the other hand, tells us in Matthew 5:28 that adultery can be committed in our minds, and I think that it begins when we start telling ourselves that someone in our lives is “just a friend” and nothing else.
The longer the infatuation continues, the more difficult it is to let go of it once one comes to realize what it truly is. Even an individual who is very committed to their marriage will have a hard time letting go of an infatuation. I know this only because I have spoken with various people about it, but it makes a lot of sense to me and so I am stating it as fact. Once a person realizes their “friend” is actually an infatuation, and rejects the attraction as an evil that threatens their marriage, the desire to be with their “friend” does not cease immediately. It actually feels like a loss and they often go through a period of grieving that “friendship.” The longer the infatuation has been masked as a “friendship” the harder it is to let go of that relationship.
Sometimes it is hard to know exactly what we feel or what our feelings mean. In his research on infidelity, Carder noticed nineteen actions that were consistent indicators of when a “friendship” is really infatuation. These points provide tangible red flags for any married individual to use as an early warning system for potential situations that could threaten their marriage.
When we get rid of the concept of friendships with members of the opposite sex outside of marriage it becomes much easier to see attraction and infatuation for what they really are. When evils can be seen clearly for what they are it is much easier to reject them.
Now I don't want to leave anybody with the impression that I am saying that married people should not associate in a friendly manner with persons of the opposite sex. I am simply trying to point out that the road to adultery can be cloaked by cultural norms. When one is attentive to their true feelings and on the lookout for “red flag” behavior it is possible to shun adultery of the mind in the early stages.
I would argue that Jane and Ben are indeed infatuated with one another. They hang out regularly and must be thinking of one another or they wouldn't message on Facebook. But how can I prove my theory that there is no such thing as “just friends”? Well, I would like to leave that to you. Think of any friendship you have had with someone of the opposite sex. Was it truly purely platonic or did some level of infatuation exist for one or both of you? Look through the list above and think if any of those apply to your friendship. I would be very interested to hear from anyone who thinks they are an exception to the theory.