What does it mean to share a spiritual vision with your partner? As a person raised in the New Church, I grew up hearing about conjugial love (a New Church term for marriage love) and the importance of finding somebody who shares your beliefs. As a child, this meant to me that New Church people naturally would marry other people in the New Church, since they shared this special connection to Swedenborg and his wonderful teachings. I remember once overhearing my parents talking about a woman that we knew who was struggling in her marriage. I asked what they were talking about, and they said that it was a great source of sadness to this individual that her husband showed no interest in the New Church, and did not want to come to church services with her. I found this hard to believe. “How could you fall in love with someone who didn't like the same things you like?” I asked them. They smiled a knowing smile and told me that it happens to lots of people. That stuck with me for a long time. I was determined that I wouldn't end up like that woman, but how could I be sure? What did it really mean to be spiritually aligned with your partner?
There seemed to be a wealth of factors to consider. Should the focus be on having exactly the same ideas about life after death, or the true nature of God? Following the same basic spiritual practices? Having the same level of interest in community involvement? Sharing similar ideas about how to approach spirituality at home, and when raising children? Spirituality can be a deeply personal and private thing, so would it be enough if we simply shared the same religious background but didn't get into the nitty gritty of it? Or what if we had very divergent ideas, but loved to discuss them and try to apply the best of both perspectives in our lives?
For a long time I worried about these questions and how I would chose to address them in my own life. I observed friends, family, and coworkers and wondered about what made them happy or discontent in their relationships. I often caught myself thinking that it must be easier for people who didn't know anything about conjugial love. They didn't spend time worrying if they were getting it right, or had found the absolute best person to fulfill all their goals of spiritual compatibility. Instead, they were busy living their lives. Some found a great relationship which lasted, some struggled through relationships which ultimately disintegrated. In all cases, people seemed to be learning, growing, and challenging themselves through the process of working with the person they loved. Gradually I began to let go of my childhood fears of “doing it wrong” and open my mind to a broader perspective of what relationships are all about. A phrase from Doctrine of Life would often come to mind: “All religion is of life, and the life of religion is to do good (1).”
When I met my husband, Diogo, I again found myself brought face to face with those questions that had bothered me for so long. I struggled internally for a couple of months. Despite obvious compatibility in our values, personalities, and life goals, I still felt that I was somehow betraying my upbringing by chosing someone who didn't label themselves as “New Church.” Somehow the idea of a label brought me comfort; it made me feel secure knowing that I had something to hold onto. Faced with a time of questioning, praying, and reflection about my own spiritual beliefs, I longed for the simple answer. I could not deny that it was Divine providence that brought this wonderful man into my life, but it was up to me to accept the challenge to grow.
I began to acknowledge to myself my arrogance in believing I would somehow have it harder, or easier, because of the New Church. Agreeing on every idea, whether spiritual or otherwise, was an unrealistic goal. Much more important was how our lives would come together, and how we would support each other along the journey. Each person's path of spiritual growth is unique, as are those dark spaces inside us with which we grapple. No matter what our spiritual beliefs, the process of spiritual growth is the same: a lot of hard work. I still feel that I'm only at the beginning of understanding myself as a spiritual being. For me, spiritual alignment with my partner means having the love and support I need to continue to learn and grow spiritually. Sometimes it means having a companion at church, sometimes having a patient listener while I pour out my soul, sometimes having somebody there to call me out when I'm being uncharitable to others. The opportunities to show love and support are numerous. The hard part is choosing to take them.