Jennica gives an honest account of her crisis of faith. She walks the reader through her experience of doubt, an experience that ultimately strengthened her beliefs. This article leads off our series on doubt, you can find the next one here. -Editor.
A couple of years ago a number of my family members announced that they were atheists. This came as quite a surprise to me because up until this point they had been active church members and seemingly firm believers in God.
At first I went through a state of denial, telling myself that this was just a healthy exercise in testing their faith, or coming to understand what the New Church truths mean in a context that is separated from what they were taught. As time went by I heard more and more declarations that they indeed identified themselves as atheists, and found that they had indeed diverged significantly from the beliefs I had previously thought we shared. They were on a journey all their own, they liked it, and I realized that I did not have a bird's eye view of their process, nor did I know where they were headed. I was close, and still am close, to these individuals and as the reality of their new philosophy sunk in and I realized how radically different their world view was from mine, I began to have a serious personal crisis of faith.
I felt left out. Here they were starting with a blank slate, letting go of all prior beliefs and seeing what life looks and feels like with a completely new filter. I heard many a personal revelation and new idea, and new understandings vs. old understandings. It all seemed rather euphoric and my big question was why do I still believe in the old ideas that they have thrown out? By the time I could voice this question, I was in a full fledged state of doubt.
Doubt is a very uncomfortable state for me. States of confirmed faith or denied faith seem much easier to deal with because the state of doubt is a state of constant questioning. I had no rock of truth to stand on or build a personal philosophy from. With doubt there are no answers, only questions and I felt desperate. I would spend days bombarded with internal questions comparing what I understood of the atheist philosophy and my New Church philosophy. It was difficult because my husband and some of my friends were obviously uncomfortable with my doubt and I wished I could just come to a conclusion.
I knew I really wanted to find my way to a strong New Church faith, but I was also willing to let it all go if that philosophy no longer fit. I was resentful that I was going through this agonizing process of doubting. I had nowhere to turn, but just wallowed in my own misery. Previously I had found relief in prayer and scripture, but they are completely pointless if indeed there is no God. It felt like the seed of doubt had stolen away all the meaning of my life. But that was not true. I instinctively knew that the doubt had only gotten in because my faith was not strong, and I had to find out why I wanted to believe in the teachings of the New Church, and what was keeping me from knowing they are true. I had to find a rock; my own personal ground zero; a truth I know is true and do not question even a little bit. For me it came not from heaven, but from hell.
The teachings of the New Church on married partners have always been dear to me, though they too got thrown into the doubting pot. The ideas that one man is created for one woman and they live together for eternity as conjugial partners, that fornication does not add to the married partners spiritual life, and that adultery is a terrible sin are all truths I hold today to be very sacred. When I became aware of an extramarital relationship between some people I knew, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time - conviction. I knew in my heart that adultery is wrong, that marriage is sacred. And I felt no doubt.
It was invigorating to finally have a rock. I used it as a home base. If the writings of the New Church and the Bible teach these truths and I believed them, then perhaps other things the New Church teaches were true as well. I began stacking other truths on my rock, and at first they would all get knocked off by some doubt. But I kept coming back to my rock, the one thing I just could not deny, and eventually the truths didn’t fall off anymore.
I want to rewind a little bit to remark upon a couple of other things that became clear to me while all of this was going on. I asked myself "what does life feel like?" When I put on my atheist hat and lived in a meaningless world where everything happens by coincidence without any higher meaning life felt like, well, sometimes fun, scientifically interesting, but mostly sort of dull - there was nothing that would feed me for very long. When I put on my New Church hat, life felt full of promise, continual exploration and revelation, chock full of meaning and profundity, peace and love, and true happiness. Which one feels more alive? Is my answer not obvious?
I also came to the realization that there are as many philosophies as people on the Earth, and absolutely nobody can tell me which one is true. I have to figure out which one works for me. In order to do that I needed a compass. I found that a sense of inner peace was just the thing. Whenever I confronted a question or issue I found that whatever brought me the greatest sense of inner peace was my answer. It had nothing to do with what was "correct" or "provable," it simply added to a sense of peace and tranquility in my life. That works for me.
All of these things together, my rock, my concept of what life feels like, and my compass came together, and lead me forward to a strong faith in God and the New Church. It is only similar to the faith that I had before the years during which I doubted. God is here and many of the truths are the same, but I believe not because everyone around me does, but because I love what God teaches through the Bible and the writings. It makes sense to me, it brings me peace in my life, and with a strong faith I feel truly alive.
I do not, however, want to leave out mention of my atheist friends. With my personal rediscovery and confirmation of faith I have found complete peace with the fact that everyone needs to follow their own path. I personally do not agree with their philosophy, but I know that they are following their inner guide. They are doing what makes sense to them and that is the highest good that any one of us can attain. The New Church teaches that to do what one understands to be good is in fact loving the Lord! Even if what you truly believe is that there is no God and you must look to the world for truth and guidance! Nobody can be served by living externally other than they are internally. God will meet everyone where they are.
Doubt is a wonderful thing. It helped me look at life a whole new way, gain compassion and understanding for those who see things other ways, and uncover a strong sense of conviction that is my Faith.