As author of the fourth essay in our series on doubt Brian writes from both a personal perspective, as someone familiar with the strain of doubt, and from his professional vantage point, as minister to a church congregation. He casts doubt as the unfortunate, but necessary catalyst of our vivification by God. Without doubt our beliefs may become hard; doubt tenderizes the meat of our faith. While acknowledging its purpose, Brian refuses to elevate doubt for its own sake. Find the opening essay in the series [here]. -Editor.
I feel overwhelmed by all the different ways I could respond to the subject of doubt. It engages me theologically, psychologically, culturally and personally. It is one of the greatest tools in the hand of the Creator, and also one of the most painful and afflicting experiences in the human heart.
I think of the topic very broadly. We don't just doubt the existence of the Creator, but we doubt His power, His purpose and His presence. We doubt ourselves, and whether we can be saved. We doubt each other. We doubt whether evil exists. We doubt whether love exists. We doubt whether we are spiritual beings. We doubt our abilities, we doubt our motives. We doubt our choices – our marriages, our careers, our parenting, our politics. We doubt our safety, our future, our happiness.
Perhaps I will begin personally.
My work of preaching brings me satisfaction. It also brings me a type of discomfort not found anywhere else. I've tried to put my finger on what this is. It's not just the stresses associated with working with people, or anxiety about being evaluated. It's not just the discomfort which comes with presuming to stand up and preach in a culture which doesn't like “preachyness.”
I think it is a discomfort in standing so close when the Lord is speaking.
At times the only thing that allows me to go out on chancel is knowing that I'm going to read from the Word. Whatever else happens, at least I know people will hear the Word of the Lord read. If my sermon fails to illuminate anything, still, the worship service will not be a complete loss.
This isn't just self-deprecation, or a questioning of my abilities (though that is there too). I'm trying to speak of my awe (and terror) at the Lord's words.
Preaching brings me into acute awareness of the Lord speaking with His people. He speaks to the soul. He asks about what we most deeply love. He challenges our most hidden thoughts. He seeks to wake up the part of us which is a above the taste of chicken wings and the buzz from lattés.
The Creator of the universe is asking for our full attention and complete obedience so that He can draw us out of the hellish state we are born into. This is too much to bear.
Can't we get a little more distance? Can't we find a place where the “voice as of many waters” is more of a rumble in the background than the thunderous sound of Niagara when we are close enough to feel the spray? (Revelation 1:15)
Doubt can offer us this distance.
My point is not to emphasize the unique place of preaching, but just to notice my personal desire to be allowed to move further away—something which is difficult when publicly reading the Word every week. But it's not just preachers who hear the Lord's Word, this is an experience many people have. God is extremely confrontational when we listen to what He has to say.
But He is also incredibly silent when we walk away. Doubt is the opportunity which ensures our freedom. Our raw, overwhelming freedom from God.
Doubt refines. It is at the center of the spiritual growth crucible called temptations (Arcana Coelestia 1820, 2338, True Christian Religion 596). We cannot move closer to God without the tearing experiences of doubt at every step (Arcana Coelestia 59). There are no slaves in heaven.
A beautiful statement in Arcana Coelestia 7298 explains that all introduction of truth into a person's mind is accompanied with the introduction of doubts. Truths rammed into the mind without the shoe-horn of doubt have no flexibility. Ideas stuck in our minds without a process of doubt have no extension or proportion. “Inherited” rather than personally digested ideas are the ones we tend to be least reasonable about and most reactive about when we try to apply them in life.
Wrestle with an idea for years, testing, doubting; alternatively dropping and defending. That is an idea which you understand and can truly use. You know how to apply it in different situations. You have a sense of balance. You have a sense of reserve.
The rigid, fearful, and reactive “trust” we place in defending an unexamined idea fed to us from childhood is nothing compared with the deep and quiet confidence we find in principles which we have fought against, and for, over a life time.
But the fact that God puts doubt to great use does not mean that it deserves the attention and acclaim it receives.
It is foolish of our society to extol the function of doubt and cynicism. Doubt only exists in opposition. It feeds off propositions of truth. It does nothing but endlessly argue and tear at anything and everything held up as possibly offering value.
“I propose to marry you, to remain faithful to you, to spend a life time working with you.”
“I propose to work in this profession, to toil to serve these purposes to add value to the world.”
“I propose to give birth to this child and to care for this child for a lifetime, in whatever way she needs to the end of my strength.”
“I propose to open the door to God. To search to know Him, to understand His will and walk His path as best as I can understand it.”
Thanks to Doubt, we are guaranteed that no serious or meaningful endeavor will go forward without stiff opposition, criticism, ridicule, despair and fear. And even though this doubting is useful, I would hesitate to call it a virtue, let alone the greatest virtue. Faithfulness, commitment and perseverance are better ways to measure the character of a person than his ability to find arguments against.
I'm not trying to send the message that “you aren't believing hard enough, just shut your eyes tighter, and believe more.” The doubts we experience can be very compelling and challenging.
But I am cautioning against the idea that the effort to push through doubt is necessarily blind, naïve, or unthinking.
I don't believe that there is an “answer” which allows us to avoid the process of doubt. But there are practices which I think are valuable to apply in religious doubt.
We do not find strong, comfortable, enduring faith in God outside of a lifelong commitment to live in accordance with His will. Without coming into the pattern and likeness of God, we don't experience the presence of God.
I believe that these three practices or insights, combined with patience and humility, will lead to a growing trust in the Lord's presence, purpose and significance in our lives. But, lest I end on an unrealistically confident note, I'd like to turn to Mark 9 which Abby Smith referred to last week.
The many brands, versions and types of doubt (religious and otherwise) are an almost constant source of challenge in my life. And so I love the brief story in Mark of the man wrestling with doubt and belief. He has a growing awareness of the limits of his faith, but also a desperate desire to trust the Lord to help his son. For me this story expresses human hope and effort reaching for God and also the helplessness and weakness of that same human condition. It makes perfect sense that the man is described as crying out with tears in his voice, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”