Women and men are different. Their bodies are different in obvious ways, but also in less apparent ways—like the structure of the brain. Emotions are processed in the inner workings of the brain, and Micah examines the ways that men and women's brain neurons differ when feeling empathy. -Editor
You don’t understand. You don’t know how I’m feeling. How often do these ideas come up in relationships? These ideas often stem from a basic miscommunication, or failure to empathize.
Good communication, particularly in an intimate relationship, depends upon how two people perceive one another through empathy. Miscommunication, which seems to be a common issue in marriages, therefore indicates a lack of empathy between spouses. Who is at fault? Is either partner at fault? It turns out that there are gender specific approaches to empathy that lead to miscommunications in relationships, but, with conscious effort men and women can improve their non-dominant approach to empathy and thus communication with their spouse.
Women seem to approach empathic interactions by personally resonating with and feeling the emotions of another, while men understand the other’s perspective and what it is like to be in that other person's position more readily than they resonate with his or her emotions. A better understanding of empathy would thus improve communication and, hopefully, improve marital relationships. In order to better understand empathy we must address how men and women approach it differently.
There are biological differences in the physiological make-up of men and women’s brains having to do with empathy. These neural differences seem to be paralleled by differences on the spiritual level of men and women. The word ‘differences’ tends to instigate a negative reaction and more specifically sends a subliminal message of unfair generalizations about one being better than another when used to describe gender. However, the differences are equally good but need to be understood in order to appreciate the value in them. Scientific studies show that while men and women have these different empathic approaches they can learn to better use the other genders approach: neuroscientists have long acknowledged that neuron circuitry in human brains are plastic, meaning that they can change and be rearranged as people learn information and new skills (Freberg, 2010, p.141).
It is this connection between the plasticity of the human brain, and its relation to empathy that I wish to explore in the context of its potential impact on male-female interactions, specifically in a marriage. By changing our physical, we can affect our spiritual for the better, and we can change our physical on the cellular level through a network of neurons in the brain called mirror neurons.
Mirror neurons are cells in a human’s brain that primarily respond to visual stimuli from another person’s action; telling the brain what it is like to physically and emotionally perform the same action without actually doing it oneself. The neuroscientist who is credited for discovering mirror neurons in 1992, Giacomo Rizzolatti, says "Mirror neurons allow us to grasp the minds of others not through conceptual reasoning but through direct simulation. By feeling, not by thinking" (Blakeslef, 2006). Another similar definition of mirror neurons is: “a type of brain cell that responds equally when we perform an action and when we witness someone else perform the same action” (Winerman, 2005).
While there is some controversy surrounding the exact functioning of human mirror neurons, it is accepted that humans have a mirror neuron system and they play various roles in accordance with the definitions just described.
Research indicates that differing levels of empathy between individuals has a 40% correlation with activation levels of their human mirror neuron system (Keysers, 2009, p. 13). This suggests that the structure of the mirror neuron system is strongly correlated with an individual’s functional ability to empathize. In addition, through study of the mirror neuron system in infants, it is seen that mirror neurons can develop and become more efficient as experiences accumulate.
Empathy relates because it can broaden a person’s thought-action repertoire by expanding the present state of emotions through experiencing new perspectives as he or she attempts to explore the many possible perspectives that the person being empathized with might have (in order to share the closest perspective). Barbara Fredrickson, founder of the Broaden-and-Build Theory of Positive Emotions, asserts that the broadened thought-action repertoire of positive emotions build long-term enduring personal resources (2005, p.122).
In a marriage, the repetitive attempts to empathize with one’s spouse can, according to the broaden-and-build theory, strengthen the marriage by broadening the couple’s shared emotions and perspective taking, while also building more tools to use in future situations of both crisis and peace.
This theory emphasizes the idea that the physiological differences discussed next are not inflexible or inadaptable, rather, those of one gender can, through a learning process, change the plastic structure of the mirror neurons to have similar characteristics of the other gender.
In a broader context, many behavioral studies indicate that women are better than men at experiencing empathy.
To pick a specific example, Martin Schulte-Rüther, a neuroscientist in Germany who studies physiological gender differences, in 2008 wrote an article called Gender Differences in Brain Networks Supporting Empathy. This research article has compelling evidence indicating that women do have higher functioning mirror neuron systems (compared to men) and both men and women have areas in the brain that activate more strongly in one gender but not the other while performing empathic tasks.
Schulte-Rüther’s research helps couples understand that men rely primarily on cognitive empathy (physically knowing what it is like to do or feel something), while women’s higher emotional empathic abilities (related to their enhanced reliance on the mirror neuron system when assessing emotional states) mean that they rely primarily on affective empathy. The simple and oft-heard idea that men want to fix things and women want to be heard and understood is an example of how this tends to happen.
A husband might decide he understands physically and emotionally what his wife is experiencing, thus knows how to fix it, and so wants to offer solutions (and in his mind, this demonstrates that he heard and understood her). The wife, on the other hand, might be in need of emotional rapport; feeling heard on an emotional level, and understanding through a shared feeling (affective empathy). Wives will thus most instinctively reach out to their husbands through an attempt at this emotional understanding. A husband, however, might feel frustrated if all he receives from his wife is an emotional comfort, when what he really wants is the space to explore solutions and options that shows she understands what it is like to be in his shoes. Men thus look for and natively employ cognitive empathy, and women affective empathy.
From the previous acknowledgement that human brains are plastic, it follows that men and women can change their physiology by learning to use both affective and cognitive empathy as a second nature. Furthermore, if the broaden-and build theory is correct, then the more men and women practice and learn to use both affective and cognitive empathy, then the more they broaden their shared emotional and physical awareness and experiences. In addition, other researchers have concluded that men and women do not have any behavioral differences in empathic abilities, and that men and women have equal abilities to use both cognitive and affective empathy when asked to do so (Verhofstadt, 2008, p.799-800). While men and women seem to be biologically guided to use cognitive and affective empathy respectively, it is suggested that with conscious effort men and women are able to use both cognitive and affective empathy. Therefore, it can be seen that husbands and wives can appreciate and use this knowledge to work with their spouse’s strengths and weaknesses, striving to use the correct empathic approach for the correct situation instead of relying on their natural tendencies.
So far I have addressed the physical elements of empathy and biological gender differences. Next week this article will continue with a look at how these physical and biological elements intersect with the spiritual.
Micah graduated from Bryn Athyn College in 2012 with an interdisciplinary degree in Religion and Psychology. He now works for the college heading up the landscaping program and student crews. He also helps run the Bryn Athyn Bounty Farm Market and is passionate about sustainability. This article is a condensed version of his senior paper. If you would like to read the full copy, feel free to contact him at micah.alden@brynathyn.edu.