What are the Priorities in Parenting?

The most important things in life can easily get lost in the shuffle. The same applies to parenting—in the crazy that is having kids, school events, homework, sports, friends, etc., a parent can easily lose focus on the bigger picture. Derrick offers a re-focusing based on the teachings about parenting found in the Writings. -Editor

Today I am going to offer a few reflections from New Church teachings about parenthood. Since I am a father, my reflections are probably going to lean that direction. But most of my thoughts are going to apply to all parents.

Parenting Is the Highest Priority

From the Lord's perspective, parenting is the most important work you could be doing.

[Marriage's] use excels all other uses in creation, for by marriage is the orderly propagation of the human race and also of the angelic heaven, which is from the human race. (Conjugial Love 156)

Propogation is a fancy way of saying reproduction. Marriage is the Lord's mechanism for creating more people. And parenting is the Lord's mechanism for getting more angels.

I think a few implications of this one passage are really counter cultural. Today's culture holds up marriage and romantic love as the end in itself. The purpose of a relationship is personal happiness. But this passage indicates marriage exists for the sake of the children. Not that the marriage itself isn't important; marriages should outlast the children. And not that marriage isn't personally fulfilling and brings a lot of happiness. Feeling the joy of another is love, and with that comes a lot of joy and happiness. But the reason the Lord made marriage with this ability to last forever is for the sake of the children (see Conjugial Love 98). I think we are culturally conditioned to see marriage and a happy relationship as the end in itself, and children are a means of fulfilling or bettering that relationship and contributing to personal happiness. But it really is the other way around. The Lord created this great potential in marriage, because the better the marriage the better off the children will be.

Another counter cultural idea is that parenting is the first priority. No one in our culture rewards great parents. It is in career or hobbies that society really acknowledges the value of a person. But in the Lord's eyes success as a parent is the greatest success you could have. And a big part of that success is the children's engagement in spiritual things and ability to be a positive spiritual influence on others.

As a working dad I do not think prioritizing family means I should drop work or be constantly available for my kids. What it means to me is that when there is a direct conflict between work and home, home wins. I do not involve myself in everything my family or kids do, but I do try to think through the most important things I could be doing and prioritize providing them. Do I get an "A" on follow through? Nope. But they get a lot more from me than if I didn't hold them as a priority.

The Goal of Parenting Is Spiritual and Moral Development

Referring back to Conjugial Love 156, the goal of parenting is to produce angels. Getting clarity on what parenting priorities are has helped me make wiser choices in how I raise my children and make decisions for their well being. For example, is it going to matter spiritually and eternally if my children never plays soccer? Is it going to matter spiritually and eternally if I never read the Word with them? Which habit is going to matter more prayer or soccer practice? Playing soccer can and should be evaluated in the context of spiritual and moral development (and yes I believe soccer can contribute to these). There is a cultural tendency to evaluate activities and opportunities through the filter of "providing experiences." I think our societal obsession with providing experiences for our children perpetuates parenting that feels like a treadmill in high gear. I offer two simple questions to use when you are evaluating 1) Is this activity important to their spiritual development right now? and 2) Would not doing this slow their growth as a spiritual and moral person? For most things, the answers are going to be no and no. This doesn't mean drop it, but it does mean you could drop it and still get an "A" in good parenting. You have permission to simplify your family schedule.

What about Childless Relationships?

So you may be wondering, do I think that relationships without children are less-than, or that people who are unmarried cannot contribute? No. And Yes. No because there is a value in relationships without children. And yes because these relationships are not fulfilling their purpose. It may be by choice or it may be situationional, but the ideal is that marriage relationships contribute children for heaven. I think there is a tension here that should not be resolved. I also believe that adoption is one way that families fulfill this purpose. After all, adoption is the only mechanism by which a marriage fulfills this purpose in heaven (Heaven and Hell 332, Conjugial Love 51).

Clarity Is Useful

I know there are detail oriented types who are probably asking "but what about this particular case and this situation." Sorry, but you are going to have to do your own thinking. The nitty-gritty of parenting is a lot of work. Being a big picture type I feel a lot of peace from getting the top priorities clarified for me. After all, parenting to produce angels is not just a goal for when they die- we need angels or "messengers" of the Lord in this world too.

Derrick Lumsden

Derrick is: a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ; a student of life; a husband; a father of four boys; a pastor at The Sower's Chapel in Sarver, PA (a New Church). Some of Derrick's hobbies: gnu-linux-ubuntu; dreaming of planting a church; reading.