Why I Believe

Jennica gives an honest account of her crisis of faith. She walks the reader through her experience of doubt, an experience that ultimately strengthened her beliefs. This article leads off our series on doubt, you can find the next one here. -Editor.

A couple of years ago a number of my family members announced that they were atheists. This came as quite a surprise to me because up until this point they had been active church members and seemingly firm believers in God.

At first I went through a state of denial, telling myself that this was just a healthy exercise in testing their faith, or coming to understand what the New Church truths mean in a context that is separated from what they were taught. As time went by I heard more and more declarations that they indeed identified themselves as atheists, and found that they had indeed diverged significantly from the beliefs I had previously thought we shared. They were on a journey all their own, they liked it, and I realized that I did not have a bird's eye view of their process, nor did I know where they were headed. I was close, and still am close, to these individuals and as the reality of their new philosophy sunk in and I realized how radically different their world view was from mine, I began to have a serious personal crisis of faith.

I felt left out. Here they were starting with a blank slate, letting go of all prior beliefs and seeing what life looks and feels like with a completely new filter. I heard many a personal revelation and new idea, and new understandings vs. old understandings. It all seemed rather euphoric and my big question was why do I still believe in the old ideas that they have thrown out? By the time I could voice this question, I was in a full fledged state of doubt.

Doubt is a very uncomfortable state for me. States of confirmed faith or denied faith seem much easier to deal with because the state of doubt is a state of constant questioning. I had no rock of truth to stand on or build a personal philosophy from. With doubt there are no answers, only questions and I felt desperate. I would spend days bombarded with internal questions comparing what I understood of the atheist philosophy and my New Church philosophy. It was difficult because my husband and some of my friends were obviously uncomfortable with my doubt and I wished I could just come to a conclusion.

I knew I really wanted to find my way to a strong New Church faith, but I was also willing to let it all go if that philosophy no longer fit. I was resentful that I was going through this agonizing process of doubting. I had nowhere to turn, but just wallowed in my own misery. Previously I had found relief in prayer and scripture, but they are completely pointless if indeed there is no God. It felt like the seed of doubt had stolen away all the meaning of my life. But that was not true. I instinctively knew that the doubt had only gotten in because my faith was not strong, and I had to find out why I wanted to believe in the teachings of the New Church, and what was keeping me from knowing they are true. I had to find a rock; my own personal ground zero; a truth I know is true and do not question even a little bit. For me it came not from heaven, but from hell.

The teachings of the New Church on married partners have always been dear to me, though they too got thrown into the doubting pot. The ideas that one man is created for one woman and they live together for eternity as conjugial partners, that fornication does not add to the married partners spiritual life, and that adultery is a terrible sin are all truths I hold today to be very sacred. When I became aware of an extramarital relationship between some people I knew, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time - conviction. I knew in my heart that adultery is wrong, that marriage is sacred. And I felt no doubt.

It was invigorating to finally have a rock. I used it as a home base. If the writings of the New Church and the Bible teach these truths and I believed them, then perhaps other things the New Church teaches were true as well. I began stacking other truths on my rock, and at first they would all get knocked off by some doubt. But I kept coming back to my rock, the one thing I just could not deny, and eventually the truths didn’t fall off anymore.

I want to rewind a little bit to remark upon a couple of other things that became clear to me while all of this was going on. I asked myself "what does life feel like?" When I put on my atheist hat and lived in a meaningless world where everything happens by coincidence without any higher meaning life felt like, well, sometimes fun, scientifically interesting, but mostly sort of dull - there was nothing that would feed me for very long. When I put on my New Church hat, life felt full of promise, continual exploration and revelation, chock full of meaning and profundity, peace and love, and true happiness. Which one feels more alive? Is my answer not obvious?

I also came to the realization that there are as many philosophies as people on the Earth, and absolutely nobody can tell me which one is true. I have to figure out which one works for me. In order to do that I needed a compass. I found that a sense of inner peace was just the thing. Whenever I confronted a question or issue I found that whatever brought me the greatest sense of inner peace was my answer. It had nothing to do with what was "correct" or "provable," it simply added to a sense of peace and tranquility in my life. That works for me.

All of these things together, my rock, my concept of what life feels like, and my compass came together, and lead me forward to a strong faith in God and the New Church. It is only similar to the faith that I had before the years during which I doubted. God is here and many of the truths are the same, but I believe not because everyone around me does, but because I love what God teaches through the Bible and the writings. It makes sense to me, it brings me peace in my life, and with a strong faith I feel truly alive.

I do not, however, want to leave out mention of my atheist friends. With my personal rediscovery and confirmation of faith I have found complete peace with the fact that everyone needs to follow their own path. I personally do not agree with their philosophy, but I know that they are following their inner guide. They are doing what makes sense to them and that is the highest good that any one of us can attain. The New Church teaches that to do what one understands to be good is in fact loving the Lord! Even if what you truly believe is that there is no God and you must look to the world for truth and guidance! Nobody can be served by living externally other than they are internally. God will meet everyone where they are.

Doubt is a wonderful thing. It helped me look at life a whole new way, gain compassion and understanding for those who see things other ways, and uncover a strong sense of conviction that is my Faith.

Jennica Nobre

Jennica grew up in Glenview, IL, and currently lives in Bryn Athyn, PA with her husband, Calebe and two children, Zion and Solomon. In addition to mothering, she teaches Biology classes part time and leads naturalist programs at the Pennypack Ecological Restoration Trust.

Comments

[Todd Beiswenger]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I like your analogy of being in doubt, then finding your rock to build upon. It seems that your doubt served you well.

In general, I wonder what to do with doubt. Someone once told me, "never participate in doubt." His point was to say that we should focus our lives on the positive, and not spend time doubting that things will turn out okay. I like living my life that way, but I *doubt* that a person can live that way all the time. I suppose everything in moderation...having some doubt, some times is useful, but living a fearful, doubtful life is not.

Thanks for starting the conversation!

[Karin Childs]

This is beautifully written, Jennica. I agree that the point needs not to be finding beliefs that you can prove to others, but rather discovering or re-discovering the beliefs that have life make sense for you and bring you peace. "I have to figure out which one works for me." Times of doubt are golden times to sort things out and find a reason to hang onto a belief. And you make an important point about recognizing that everyone has to do this for themselves in their own time.

[Lawson]

Thank you for a well-written essay. For me, the question comes down to this: Am I god, or is there Someone higher than I? Am I the source of "my truth," or is there a real Truth outside of and above me? Am I the source of my life and love, or is there Love Itself, Love Himself, above me? In other words, do I believe the serpent in the garden, saying, "You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it, you will be as gods, knowing good and evil." (Gen. 3:4-5)

To me, atheism in friends is scary, certainly not because the Lord will reject them, but because they might reject Him, and with Him they would reject eternal peace. It may well be people trying out atheism are rejecting false images of the Lord that we humans tend to build up around him in all kinds of ways, including the way we do organized religion. Meanwhile they may be embracing what is really good and true, and thus embracing the Lord, though they do not yet see Him as the Source of everything good and true. But the kernel of the issue as I see it is, Am I a god, or is there a Higher Power above me? Is there any innocence? This is a key question for everyone, whether we feel we are theists or atheists. The answer is found in the way we treat others and why.

Thanks again for a thought-provoking essay.

[Lori Odhner]

THANKS Jennica! May I reprint it in the Caring for Marriage newsletter?
A few years ago, shortly before Christmas, I was in despair over a problem I was facing. John was scheduled to give Friday supper and he decided to give it on the Ten Good Things about Atheism. WHAT????? I thought that was ridiculous. Why was he not talking about Christmas? But he had decided. I went, as a dutiful wife, thinking dubiously about an evening about the ten good things about atheism. Whatever.
Well I was deeply moved by what he said about the Lord's gentle leading and compassion, how He brings good from disorder, and how HE protects our freedom. I was very moved. I left that class in a new state, believing that if the Lord can take such good care of atheists, my personal problem was a shoe in for Him to handle.

[Jennica Nobre]

Thanks everyone for your comments! I love what you all have to say.

It is interesting that just a few days ago I was reading about temptation in Arcana Coelestia and then saw that my article was featured. I re-read the article and found it quite similar to what I had been reading in AC. I had been reading about the meaning of the story of Noah's ark, how it is a symbol of spiritual tempation that we go through as we regenerate. Particularly at the end of the story as the waters are receding the Bible says "and the waters receded from off the earth, going and returning." This symbolizes the reality of life even once temptation is through that doubt "goes and returns".
I have been clear for some time that what I went through was temptation, but I felt truly enlightened reading the accurate description of my experience as explained in the writings and the story of Noah.

[Chelsea]

Thanks, Jennica, for writing this! I love this part:

"I know that they are following their inner guide. They are doing what makes sense to them and that is the highest good that any one of us can attain. The New Church teaches that to do what one understands to be good is in fact loving the Lord! Even if what you truly believe is that there is no God and you must look to the world for truth and guidance! Nobody can be served by living externally other than they are internally. God will meet everyone where they are."

I whole-heartedly agree.

[Brian]

Jennica,

I really appreciated your piece, since I'm going to offer an article on the subject I won't say much at the moment. The paragraph that Chelsea highlighted is the most thought provoking part for me. It contains some of the questions which lead me to write my dissertation on the subject of doubt. Though I am familiar with several of the teachings on the subject, the way you put the ideas together got me thinking along new lines.

I would also like to respond to Lawson's post. I agree that the concept or quality of "innocence" is at the heart of the matter. It was in a conversation with an agnostic friend (without a New Church background) that I started to really understand that the New Church idea of "innocence" is not what most English speakers think when they hear the word. I can't think of a better modern English term to express the full idea. "Humility" doesn't fully contain everything that Swedenborg's use of innocence holds.

Brian

[Glenn]

I'd like to correlate some of what Jennica shares of her experience with what the writings have to say:

When I became aware of an extramarital relationship between some people I knew, I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time - conviction. I knew in my heart that adultery is wrong, that marriage is sacred. And I felt no doubt. It was invigorating to finally have a rock. I used it as a home base.

o In order to obtain a clear idea of the nature of [the] life of the love of self and of the world (or what is the same, of a life of pride, avarice, envy, hatred, revenge, unmercifulness, adultery), let any person of talent make for himself an impersonation of some one of these evils (or if he can, let him paint it before his eyes in accordance with the ideas he is able to conceive of it from experience, knowledge, and reason), and he will then see, in proportion to the energy of his description or picture, how horrible these evils are, and that they are diabolical forms, in which there is nothing human... On the other hand, let the same person delineate for himself an impersonation of love and charity (or let him express it before his eyes under some form), and then in proportion to his power of description or portrayal he will see that the form is angelic, full of bliss and beauty, and pervaded within with what is heavenly and Divine. AC 2363.3

When I [had previously] put on my atheist hat and lived in a meaningless world where everything happens by coincidence without any higher meaning life felt like, well, sometimes fun, scientifically interesting, but mostly sort of dull - there was nothing that would feed me for very long.

o ...everything that is blessed and happy lies in the affection for the good which flows from love and charity, and in the affection for truth that constitutes faith, insofar as such truth leads on to that good. This becomes clear from the fact that heaven (that is, angelic life), lies in everything blessed and happy, and also from the fact that its influence is felt from things that are inmost (since it flows in from the Lord by way of inmost things, see 540, 541, 545). At the same time, wisdom and intelligence enter in and fill the inner recesses of the mind itself, kindling good with heavenly flame and truth with heavenly light. And this is accompanied by a perception of blessing and happiness which can only be called indescribable. AC 2363.2