We Are Only As Sick As Our Secrets

Drugs, alcohol, and the following mental illness went hand in hand with religion and spiritual experiences for Dave. As he worked on moving away from one he moved closer to the other. But the conflict between the two and lack of resolution on either front led to further conflict. Ultimately he has found change in the 12 steps program of AA and the ideas of regeneration, as we read in his article for this week. -Editor.

I found myself deceiving others about the double life I led. Drugs and alcohol were a large part and they led to all kinds of horrible behavior. This resulted in spiritual and mental insanity.

I believe a large part of the insanity was because I was violating deeply held moral beliefs that I held for myself. But I was trapped in a cycle of addiction that I couldn’t break free of.

From time to time, I would resolve to stop putting the chemicals into my system and detox on my own. At some point shortly following that, I would ‘confess’ my secrets to an inappropriate person and I would be thrown into spiritual upheaval.

My darkest secrets had been revealed in the light! This meant I felt the inner conflict resolved and a mystical unitive and expansive spiritual experience followed. In the context of my belief system, the spiritual world was unveiled and I felt powerful influx. I also had a collapsing of my materialistic ego, or so I thought.

The first time this happened, I was twenty-five. I had confessed to a friend and family my behavior and then left my apartment and sat beneath a tree. My uncle followed me and I tried to articulate what I was feeling and that I wanted to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting. I was seeing synchronicities but that word wasn’t in my vocabulary so I tried to explain. My uncle told me there were no such thing and do not make AA your religion.

I fell into a trance like state and was loaded into the car. I thought they were taking me to a meeting or church. I relaxed and fell asleep. They took me to the emergency unit at Norristown State Mental Hospital. They carried me in. I was laying on a seat during intake. I was aware but didn’t respond.

I didn’t react well when I woke up. They labelled me schizophrenic. I felt consciousness as God. I felt like the Messiah sent to save the world. Problem was, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.

In the hospital library, there was a copy of the Alcoholics Anonymous “Big Book.” I remember reading Bill’s Story and the appendix on Spiritual Experiences and trying to relate these to professionals to no avail.

My ego wouldn’t allow me to follow the suggestions: get a sponsor and work the steps. I thought my sponsor had to be the same faith as myself because there were differences in the steps and Swedenborg’s repentance process. I looked down on others at meetings.

I was not prepared spiritually for my experience. I had no superstructure to maintain me when I had these breakthroughs and I crashed into depression afterward. Just after I turned thirty, I attempted to take my own life, failed, and have been in a wheelchair since.

This cycle repeated countless times until I was retired on disability in 2004. I was hospitalized four times that year and separated from my wife. It was disclosed to my job that I was mentally ill. I became angry after that and had many resentments. I was a dry drunk with many codependent behaviors. I was a selfish individual motivated by fear.

I started to seriously study the Writings of Emanuel Swedenborg then and found that Swedenborg said many things about mental illness, particularly Divine Providence 141. Elsewhere, he states the hells have evil spirits who believe themselves to be the Messiah. I thought, what’s the use, and relapsed: I didn’t care. More hospitalizations followed.

Finally, after several deaths by suicide within the New Church, I finally hit my emotional bottom. I went to a local 12 step meeting and opened up. A kind fellow who seemed very serene spoke to me after the meeting. A few days later, I asked him to be my sponsor to work the steps as suggested.

Those 12 steps provided me with the superstructure I didn’t have. My mental illness symptoms have vanished. I faced my fears head on and walked through them all. I feel as if the regeneration process has started and so long as I’m open to self-examination, I will remain healthy and spiritually fit.

I have found the sudden Kundalini Awakening in the Yoga tradition best describes the characteristics of my spiritual experiences. I believe finding someone trustworthy as a sponsor or guide is important. I also believe in the spiritual axiom that the true self is found by self-disclosure. I no longer study the Writings as an intellectual exercise—Logopraxis has helped with that aspect.

Meditation focused on breathing is very important in my daily devotional along with reading the Word. Working and being of service to others also helps a great deal. Perhaps we can establish a small group for this to meet regularly.

Mental illness diagnoses are at epidemic levels in the west. I feel our culture would prefer to label spiritual experiences as abnormal, which is harmful. Arresting a spiritual emergence before completion does not allow the mind to heal itself.

Please make room for people like me. I’ve had direct experiences that, without a doubt, I know God exists.

Dave Smith

Dave grew up in Lansdale, Pa and went to church in Bryn Athyn from the age of twelve. He is now retired from Rohm and Haas Company in Philadelphia and lives in Winfield, KS with his wife MaryBeth. He enjoys music, history, and reading Swedenborg.